As I was writing this post in my head yesterday, the working title was, “What Get Me Through - Nothing”. It was a bad day. I had a highly emotional encounter Friday night that caused me to spend way too much time dwelling on the events of the last six months. Yesterday I was on autopilot and tears erupted here, there and everywhere.
At one point some friends were encouraging me, “You’re going to get through this. You’re stronger than you know!”
I don’t believe that.
I don’t believe I am strong. I’m just doing what has to be done because there are no other options. No other options because of these three beautiful blondes. They need me. They need me to be competent, sane and aware. They need me to get out of bed and go to work and then come home and take care of them. They need me to hold them when they cry and to cheer them through the amazing accomplishments of their days.
It’s a privilege that I get to do so.
It’s a privilege and a huge responsibility. So I have to take care of myself and not slip into despair. That means I make sure I get enough sleep. I eat when I don’t want to. I smile when I don’t feel like it. I set my pride aside and ask for help from all kinds of places. I find ways to meet the needs they have that I can’t provide for.
I work towards forgiveness because that’s what I want them to do. I keep to a routine when I would rather not because they need the structure.
I demand that chores and homework get done when it would be easier to excuse it because we all need to realize that life goes on. We can not let this time become an excuse for failure in the future. I do not know what I would do without them.
Going through old pictures to find some for this post was hard. Every picture taken up through this summer show a family that does not exist anymore. A reality that is forever altered. We have lost so much. Losses worthy of mourning.
However, “Weeping may last through the night,
but joy comes with the morning.” (Psalm 30:5b)
I hang on to that promise. For me and for them.
We’re gonna get through this.
Not only that, but we are going to be better people on the other side. People with greater empathy, stronger spirits and the knowledge that with God’s help we can conquer anything.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go wipe my tears, wash my face and go sand the damn walls in my bathroom.
I love you all. Thanks for hanging in there with me. If you only knew the comfort and encouragement that my invisible cheering section provides me …